03/16/12 - 0 Comments
The Sex Women Must Have Before They Settle Down
Alright, let’s be honest, by the time the average female ties the knot she’s not a virgin. I mean, who are we kidding with the white dress? No one. I am so sick of all these so-called relationship expects out there telling women that the best way to get a man is to keep your legs closed, and that men want the pure and virtuous. You know what, prudes? We are way too old to be virgins (unless you’re trying to get married at 17) but it’s not that day and age any more, people! And I am damn happy it’s not. The truth of the matter is, any guy who’s ever had the unfortunate pleasure of sleeping with a virgin (unless, of course, you were both virgins) will tell you it was awful.
Holding out for this so-called amazing man only makes a girl feel that her vag is her one and only valuable item, not herself. Sorry, no. I’m pretty sure my personality, intelligence, and accomplishments also hold some serious weight, thank you very much. What about what we crave, what we want? Does that not matter at all? In my opinion, you need to test drive some cars before you know whether you want that Bimmer over the Benz. How do you know what you want if you have no scale to go off of? While the men are out there painting the town red, why can’t we? Regardless of what sex you’re into, there are certain experiences I feel every woman needs to have before she is ready for that commitment, that forever. Check out my list below and see if you’re ready or if you’ve still got some sexin’ to get on.
Foreign Affair Sex
Oh man, the accents. Maybe you can barely pronounce his name, but damn, doesn’t he sound sexy when he speaks? Do not let the chance with a foreign hottie slip by. If you do, you will regret it. Perhaps you’re studying abroad, or traveling with some friends through Europe; no matter what you’re doing in a foreign land, make sure you take advantage of getting close with a lovely male specimen. After all, it may be your only chance to see an uncircumcised member, you little American girl, you. I have to say, I do prefer.
Age Gap Sex
Jump in bed with a younger man and an older man. When it comes to men you need to have some sort of comparison to place them on a scale. We are going to totally generalize here and say that old men will shower you with gifts, while a younger man will just want to screw like bunnies, all day, everyday. From my personal experiences, this is, in fact, not true. Truth be told, it’s a bunch of bull. Test out men across the board age wise, and you’ll be surprised what you find out about men in general. Perhaps you’ll be pleasantly surprised with where you find yourself ending up.
The “One” Sex
Okay, so maybe you thought he was The One, but clearly that wasn’t the case. He broke your heart, maybe once, maybe more, but regardless, he had it in the palm of his hand and did nothing but smash it. You told yourself it was the best sex ever, and that nothing would ever compare to it. However, trust me darling, when you meet the real “One”, you’ll know that the previous, so-called soulmate was just a test of faith that made you a stronger person.
Dominate your man! Take some charge, ladies and remember these three words: rock his world. Take the reins and dominate the entire sexual experience. You’re in control, the entire time, doing what you want, getting what you want. He’ll never be happier.
Big D Sex
Ladies, get out there! Hunt down and lay that magical dragon penis, otherwise you will live day in and day out wondering how big is too big. You’ll be in shock when you see it, you may even gasp, and then you will revert to your teen years when you first had sex. This penis will take you back to those virgin days, and you will feel it when he sticks it in. Later, you can tell your girlfriends all about your slaying of the magical dragon penis and put that fantasy to rest. You will realize it’s just a wiener, attached to a guy, like all the others.
This is the kind of sex you wish you could wash off directly after. Actually, it is so mortifying that you will shower, immediately, in hopes of washing it away. Just look at it this way: you need to experience bad to appreciate great and even mediocre sex when you have it. Setting the scale my friend, it’s a good thing.
Breakup Sex or Angry Sex
Anger is one of the most potent aphrodisiacs, so take advantage of it and get that romp started. Maybe you’re ready to break up with your beau, in which case, goodbye sex is a way of closing the chapter as I’ve always said. I mean, what better way to end the relationship than on a good sexual note? Whether you’re pissed off at your boyfriend for staying out later with his friends and ditching dinner with you, or you’re a Liberal and he’s a Republican, use it to your advantage. Pull some hair, and smack some ass; it’s like naked wrestling, but both of you come out as winners.
Hot Commodity Sex
Think of this as the sex where you score with a successful somebody. Whether it be a sexy and well-known male model, or the lead singer of your favorite up and coming indie band, go find your hot commodity guy! I mean, who doesn’t want to be someone’s Penny Lane? You’ll feel like a million bucks, and girls will envy you. It probably won’t last very long, but do you really want it to? It makes for a great story later. So get after it, be someone’s bedtime inspiration, and maybe he’ll write a song about you! Hah.
You should know if anal is on your sexual menu before you settle down. After all, you’ll need to fish for a guy who is equally into it as you. Test it out with someone you truly trust and are extremely comfortable with, ideally a mild-mannered sweetheart who is gentle. Do not do this with a guy who is wild, fast, or pounding in the sack, as it will end in you never, ever wanting to venture down that road again. So go for the gentle sweetie. Just remember, for the boys, once they conquer the bum, they can’t stop. For some people, if the no-no door is closed, it’s a deal breaker.
Can’t Keep It Up Sex
Rough night out with the boys, and perhaps a little too much whiskey can sometimes hinder the guy’s ability to get it up on cue. He just can’t do it, for whatever reason. This is something we ladies need to accept, and you need to figure out how to handle the situation without making your man feel worthless. This is something that happens to every dude on planet Earth, and if a guy tells you otherwise, he’s a big fat liar. Moral of the story here is, be understanding and supportive. Also, be thankful that you’re a female and all you have to do is show up, spread ‘em, and rock on!
Love Thy Self Sex
There is nothing sexier than a girl who knows how to get herself off. Don’t believe me? Ask any guy! Masturbation is important for learning what you like and how to get it done. This is valuable information you must relay to your bed buddy, and if you don’t know how to do it, how do you expect them to? Add a little extra fun to your solo act by adding a little vibrating play thingy. Don’t miss out on the technology that has been developed, because if you are, you’re missing out on some powerful O’s, if you know what I mean.
Image courtesy of Favim